After my second miscarriage, I distinctly remember being in church one Sunday morning when The Katinas performed Blessed Be Your Name. It has always been a favorite of mine, but honestly, I don't think I ever really understood the meaning of the song until that day. God has been so, so good to me, and all I had ever really know is the "You give" part of that song.
Jesus is so clear though...in this world, you will have trouble but take heart, I have overcome the world. It is my belief that nothing comes to us that hasn't filtered through His hands first.
For reasons that I may never understand, I am on this journey. If I am honest, part of me is broken. I feel like this time has been different somehow. I don't really know how to put it into words, but something about having Madeline has made me more aware of the gravity of miscarriage. It has definitely taken some time but I have learned through the years, that God doesn't break you without healing you. For me, the journey of healing is ongoing, each day better than the last. He is drawing me to himself though. In ways that I can't really put into words, I feel so much closer to God.
I have been prayerful about an opportunity for the last couple of months. I have been in constant conversation with God about it for the last 3 or 4 weeks. For some reason, the miscarriage took a somewhat-on-my-mind opportunity to an I-can't-stop-thinking-about-this opportunity. So I have been praying about it pretty much nonstop. Then I got the green light from Terry. Then the blessing from my dad, which I realize I don't need, but his opinion really matters to me. And then they played this video in church last Sunday.
I thought ok, God. I get it. I am
stubborn as a mule sometimes slightly strong willed sometimes so it can take a little to get through to me! So all of that build up to tell you that I am going to go to Kenya in May. A team of us will be working out of an orphanage treating people who desperately need medical care. You can imagine my terror about flying for 24 hours when a 2 hour flight to Florida gives me a panic attack. But like my dad said, Jesus doesn't let anything happen that doesn't go through Him first. He put it like "you could just as easily get plastered in San Angelo on the highway as you could in the air on the way to Kenya." He is full of sensitivity! In my heart I know he is right. But I want to throw up just typing this post. As a matter of fact, I typed it a week ago and just haven't posted it.
So if you could, pray for our team, pray for the finances to come through, and please pray that God will continue to soften my heart for the people there and I will overcome my fears. (and that xanax will be still be on the market in May!) Just kidding. Sorta. Seriously, though, check out Echoes of Mercy and Project Humanity to see what we will be doing. And for those of you thinking that you can't believe I am going to leave Madeline for 10 days, you are partially right. I have really struggled with the thought of leaving her. But the thought that stirs in me more, is how I can possible expect her to have a heart for this world and a love for Christ, if I don't show her how?
And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”