Journey

After my second miscarriage, I distinctly remember being in church one Sunday morning when The Katinas   performed Blessed Be Your Name. It has always been a favorite of mine, but honestly, I don't think I ever really understood the meaning of the song until that day. God has been so, so good to me, and all I had ever really know is the "You give" part of that song. 

 Jesus is so clear though...in this world, you will have trouble but take heart, I have overcome the world.  It is my belief that nothing comes to us that hasn't filtered through His hands first.

For reasons that I may never understand, I am on this journey. If I am honest, part of me is broken. I feel like this time has been different somehow. I don't really know how to put it into words, but something about having Madeline has made me more aware of the gravity of miscarriage. It has definitely taken some time but I have learned through the years, that God doesn't break you without healing you. For me, the journey of healing is ongoing, each day better than the last. He is drawing me to himself though. In ways that I can't really put into words, I feel so much closer to God. 

I have been prayerful about an opportunity for the last couple of months. I have been in constant conversation with God about it for the last 3 or 4 weeks. For some reason, the miscarriage took a somewhat-on-my-mind opportunity to an I-can't-stop-thinking-about-this opportunity. So I have been praying about it pretty much nonstop. Then I got the green light from Terry. Then the blessing from my dad, which I realize I don't need, but his opinion really matters to me. And then they played this video in church last Sunday. 

I thought ok, God. I get it. I am stubborn as a mule sometimes  slightly strong willed sometimes so it can take a little to get through to me! So all of that build up to tell you that I am going to go to Kenya in May. A team of us will be working out of an orphanage treating people who desperately need medical care. You can imagine my terror about flying for 24 hours when a 2 hour flight to Florida gives me a panic attack. But like my dad said, Jesus doesn't let anything happen that doesn't go through Him first. He put it like "you could just as easily get plastered in San Angelo on the highway as you could in the air on the way to Kenya." He is full of sensitivity! In my heart I know he is right. But I want to throw up just typing this post.  As a matter of fact, I typed it a week ago and just haven't posted it. 

So if you could, pray for our team, pray for the finances to come through, and please pray that God will continue to soften my heart for the people there and I will overcome my fears. (and that xanax will be still be on the market in May!) Just kidding. Sorta. Seriously, though, check out Echoes of Mercy and Project Humanity to see what we will be doing. And for those of you thinking that you can't believe I am going to leave Madeline for 10 days, you are partially right. I have really struggled with the thought of leaving her. But the thought that stirs in me more, is how I can possible expect her to have a heart for this world and a love for Christ, if I don't show her how? 

 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”
And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”

Grief

I went back to school yesterday. I felt like school should just end for the semester simply because I didn't want to go back. 

It's not just school. It's church, seeing friends, grocery shopping, - it's living everyday normal life.  Because if I do that,  then it's  real. That means it not only happened but it's over. Some moments I just don't want to move forward. I felt this way when my mamaw died. I couldn't understand how the whole world went back to work when my world was completely turned upside down. How could I set my alarm, get dressed, and go to work after a huge part of my life was just gone with no good-bye? 

I knew going back to school was just the beginning and maybe that's why I didn't want to go.  But I went and I survived. BTW - I have some pretty phenomenal teachers for which I am so grateful. And I went to clinicals today and I survived. But I am tired - like physically tired. And emotionally - well, I never seem to know where I am with my emotions. I do know I am sad. Like physical chest-hurting kind of sad. 

I don't know where to put my grief so I am finding myself in one long conversation with God all day.I haven't figured out if it's hormones, emotions, or just me being crazy but I have that stirring-God-preparing-me-for-something kind of feeling in my heart. I have an idea what direction we are going but not really sure the destination just yet.

Although I am sad and really unsure of the purpose in all of this, there is one thing I do know. That Jesus is the same today as He was last Thursday. If I am not aware of anything else, I am even more aware of the miracle of Madeline. I can't express the respite she has been for my soul. My little love, my heart, my miracle girl. And to think He loves her infinitely more than I am capable. I know He loves our other babies with that same love.  I can't believe anything else.  

A Broken Heart

My heart is broken.

 My faith is shaken.

I want to understand. I want to see God's plan. I can't. 

This verse has been on repeat in my heart and in my head this weekend. 

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.

Sweet baby,

We love you without knowing you. 

We miss you without meeting you. 

We are broken without you but know Jesus loves you more than we ever could. 

Romans 8:18

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

Pumpkin Patch

I am way behind on blogging! We went to the pumpkin patch a couple of weekends ago and Madeline had SO much fun! Stephanie was in town for my birthday and made Madeline the cutest tutu to wear with her Halloween shirt. Madeline cried hysterically when I put it on her so I just took it off. Gotta love that independent, stubborn spirit coming through. I just don't know where she gets that...Anyway, 

despite my shattered dreams of adorable tutu pictures, I got some pretty cute pictures! 

Huggy love! 

This is my favorite picture of the day! So cute!

Mommy love!