Thursday, November 8, 2012

Grief


I went back to school yesterday. I felt like school should just end for the semester simply because I didn't want to go back. 

It's not just school. It's church, seeing friends, grocery shopping, - it's living everyday normal life.  Because if I do that,  then it's  real. That means it not only happened but it's over. Some moments I just don't want to move forward. I felt this way when my mamaw died. I couldn't understand how the whole world went back to work when my world was completely turned upside down. How could I set my alarm, get dressed, and go to work after a huge part of my life was just gone with no good-bye? 

I knew going back to school was just the beginning and maybe that's why I didn't want to go.  But I went and I survived. BTW - I have some pretty phenomenal teachers for which I am so grateful. And I went to clinicals today and I survived. But I am tired - like physically tired. And emotionally - well, I never seem to know where I am with my emotions. I do know I am sad. Like physical chest-hurting kind of sad. 

I don't know where to put my grief so I am finding myself in one long conversation with God all day.I haven't figured out if it's hormones, emotions, or just me being crazy but I have that stirring-God-preparing-me-for-something kind of feeling in my heart. I have an idea what direction we are going but not really sure the destination just yet.

Although I am sad and really unsure of the purpose in all of this, there is one thing I do know. That Jesus is the same today as He was last Thursday. If I am not aware of anything else, I am even more aware of the miracle of Madeline. I can't express the respite she has been for my soul. My little love, my heart, my miracle girl. And to think He loves her infinitely more than I am capable. I know He loves our other babies with that same love.  I can't believe anything else.  

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