The Final Chapter

November was one of the best and worst months of my life this year. I haven't written about it because honestly, I just feel like a broken record. The week before Ethan was born, I was feeling so weird. I would be at work and have horrible dizzy spells, and have to sit down. One night Terry and sat down to dinner and my heart started racing, I felt completely panicked, and started throwing up. These symptoms went on for about two weeks before I finally went to the doctor. My blood pressure was really high at his office so he ordered a bunch of labs and told me to continue checking my blood pressure at work when things were calmer. Well that was on a Friday and then our birth mom went into labor and Ethan was born that Monday so I never got the blood work done. Everyone who knew what was going on, including my doctor, chalked it up to stress.

Fast forward to the week after we brought Ethan home, I was still having dizzy spells. I knew something wasn't right and on a whim took a pregnancy test. It was hot pink positive right away. I freaked out and Terry just died laughing. We were SO overwhelmed but so excited at the same time. Madeline has been my only other pregnancy when I wasn't already having issues at the time I found out, so I honestly felt really good about this pregnancy. I got into my doctor the same day I found out, and he refused to prescribe progesterone and said I would need to wait until the base could see me which is typically around 12 weeks. It was so stressful and I finally got a doctor I work with to call in progesterone for me. I had started having intermittent side pain at this point. 

My levels were rising but not quite as high as they wanted them to but I had no bleeding so we tried to remain optimistic. My ultrasound did not show an embryo in my uterus but since it was still early, no one freaked. They did mention a "giant cyst" on my right ovary. The following week, I started having intense pain on my right side that gradually got worse and worse. By lunch time I had to call Terry to come home, and in my gut I knew it was all over. This time though I had so much more pain than I had ever had in the past. Terry wanted to call an ambulance but I didn't want Madeline to be scared so I drove myself to the ER. I was almost hysterical by the time I got to the hospital and could barely walk...no previous miscarriage or even labor hurt like I was hurting. I knew something was really wrong. 

Turns out something had ruptured - they think the pregnancy was on my right ovary and ruptured but theres no way to know for sure. What they do know is I was bleeding internally - hence the terrible pain, and would have to stay in the hospital and likely have surgery the next day. I have never been hospitalized and I was terrified. My doctors were amazing and Terry was perhaps the best he's ever been through the whole ordeal. My blood counts stayed high enough that I didn't need blood or surgery and my pregnancy numbers showed the following day that the pregnancy was definitely over. I was discharged the following day, the day before Thanksgiving. They gave me pain medication and told me to expect the physical symptoms of the miscarriage to begin anytime after discharge. They came right after we finished Thanksgiving dinner, and it was terrible. I was so thankful they gave me pain medication this time. 

Honestly, I was so pissed about it. Why would God let this happen to us? Again. Right after Terry's dad died and the week after we brought home our baby? I didn't understand and I was so mad. I never wanted to be pregnant so to allow me to get pregnant and take it back was so painful. Why? I will never know. What I do know is that when I decided to look up from my pain, all I could see is how blessed we are. I don't believe I will ever know this side of heaven why God placed us on this journey. But He is so good, we are so blessed and both of our kids are miracles. 

Physically, I have healed just fine and emotionally I am better too. Spiritually, I am really working on it. I have started to dig into God's Word and just started Breaking Free by Beth Moore. We also decided that we are closing the door on any chance of getting pregnant again. I feel like our family is complete, and I want to move past this in my life. I am so thankful for my children, and I know that there are so many women who are never able to even have one child. I try to keep it all in perspective. 

One huge blessing that came from all of this is Terry's boss took him off a deployment he was supposed to go on in February. They called him in when he went back to work and told him someone had offered to take his place. I never mentioned his deployment on the blog  but we've known he was leaving since around October. We are immensely grateful he gets to stay home. My parents also came in and helped tremendously with Ethan. They cooked Thanksgiving and just took a load off of us. And my sweet Terry....he drives me insane, but when I was at my lowest, physically and emotionally, he rubbed my back, brought me my medicine, wiped my tears, and helped me see beyond my pain. I cannot imagine doing this life with anyone but him. So we are glad to say good-bye to 2015 and are looking forward to what God has in store for us this year. 

Weekend Update

We didn't do a whole lot this weekend. Madeline is still on the mend so we have been taking it pretty easy! 

Gizmo legitimately thinks this is his chair now. The first time he got in there, I thought it was cute but a fluke. Nope, he's found a new home for himself. 

Thankfully, he's nice enough to share...this is how I found him and Polly when I got out of the shower Friday! haha

Madeline wasn't allowed to go to school all last week and she's not allowed to do any physical activity for 2 weeks. So far that's been the hardest part of her surgery. When I checked on her during quiet time Friday, I just laughed, walked out and closed the door behind me. Whatever it takes to keep her still I guess...we did clean it all up Saturday though! 

Just swinging...sweet boy! Check out that belly - this boy loves to eat! 

Friday night was Terry's squadron Christmas party. It's the one squadron event we attend every year, and it never disappoints. It is always SO fun! 

Terry and the guys he works with all ordered these crazy suits like a month ago. ALL I have heard about for a month is how awesome they were going to look at the party. They were definitely the talk of the party!

They're a good group of guys...they've really been supportive of Terry and our family over the past year. They also deploy a lot...so when you're praying for our troops overseas, these are the faces of the people you are praying for! 

Terry picked Madeline up from the child care (they have it on site which is brilliant), and when I went out to meet them, they were dancing in the hallway. I could have melted. 

My loves minus Ethan who snoozed through the whole party. I kept him with us since he's so little and he literally slept through the whole party. The party was SO loud but he never made a peep. He's seriously the best baby! 

Madeline helped me with Ethan on Saturday. She was giving him a bottle and then she tried to burp him...haha She really is a big helper but after about 5 minutes of feeding him or holding him, she's over it. 

Saturday afternoon we went shopping for a few things for the house. We've had blank walls in the living room and foyer since we moved in. We definitely made some progress. I want to get a few more things for the foyer and then we'll be done with those rooms. I feel like it's taken forever to get this house decorated, but it's getting there slowly but surely. 

Sunday we worked on hanging pictures and cleaning up. Then we went to the woods for the afternoon. We saw lots of deer tracks but no deer. There are also a ton of black bears here...people have them in their yards all the time. Do you think I have seen one bear? Of course not...I'm still hoping! 

Madeline got to hang out in the back of the truck with Terry's friend and she thought it was the best thing ever. Madeline loves the woods...pinecones, sticks, dirt...she definitely has a little redneck blood running through her! 

This little cutie sat in my lap up front...he loves the sunshine and being outside. There were lots of tears when the driving resumed and he and Madeline had to buckle up. Poor babies! 

I'm afraid there's almost nothing Terry loves more than driving through woods running over things. It gives me anxiety! haha The woods really are so peaceful though! 

We ate dinner out and Santa was there! Who knew Santa likes Texas Roadhouse?!  It was a low key, good weekend! 

One Month

 My Sweet Boy,

You are ONE MONTH OLD!!! How did that happen? You turned one month old yesterday. I had great aspirations of having your monthly pictures in your cute chair for your room, but alas, it hasn't come and I didn't want to wait. The living room rocking chair wasn't the best idea because you kept sliding but it was 10pm so it had to do! :) 

You are a big boy. You weigh 10lbs 7oz and are 22 inches long. You are wearing 3 month clothes and size 1 diapers. 

This is how you fell asleep last night...deep in thought, probably about milk! 

You eat every three hours consistently. You are eating 4oz at every feeding pretty much. Your last feeding of the night, you are now eating more like 5-6 but you are sleeping for 5-6 hour stretches so I guess thats ok! You are a good burper and you do spit up too but not too bad. 

You found your thumb early on - like in the first few days of your life. You do take a pacifier but not consistently, and you make a terrible face when I put it in your mouth. When I see you sucking your thumb, I offer your paci instead. 

You sleep like a champ. You were waking every 3 hours to eat and going right back to sleep, but lately you have been eating a lot at your 10pm feeding and then snoozing until 3-4am. Amazing! You had a little trouble in the beginning but once we switched formula and bottles, you did great! I swaddled you in the beginning but you kept busting out and we would find you like this! Now you scream if I try to swaddle you so you just sleep in your pajamas. You are also a HOT baby so no sleep sacks for you...not yet anyway. 

You do the sweetest things with your hands while you're asleep. I love it! 

Your first bath at home and your bath last night! Look how much you've changed!!! You LOVE bath time. You instantly calm down in the bath tub and you just soak it all in. 

Your hair...it's pretty much the best thing ever. It's even wilder now but I am afraid it may be thinning a little. It's amazing! 

You're not really doing much activity wise...you have amazing head control, even your pediatrician was impressed with how strong you are. Yesterday, you rolled over on your gym during tummy time from you tummy to your back. I think it was a combo of being on the little pillow that's on it and the fact that you got mad, but you sure enough rolled over yesterday. Not sure if you can do it again though! 

You like your swing but for short periods of time. Your favorite place is in your rock and play or being held, of course. You love your car seat (hallelujah!) and you are so laid back. You don't cry unless you're hungry or sometimes right before you fall asleep, you'll fight it. You are so content - I hope you stay that way! 

Highlights this month...

Awkward family photo at dinner!

You watched your first FSU game with Daddy! 

Meeting Pebbles, Nana and Big Poppy's dog! 

You met your great grandparents on Daddy's side. Papaw Paul and Grandma Margaret. They adored you, and it was so sweet to see them with you! 

You also got some serious love from Nana and Big Poppy! I don't have any pictures of you with Nana but she held you the whole time she was here!

Your first Thanksgiving!!!

Madeline ADORES you...she is such a good big sister. She gets upset when you're upset, and wants to hold you, feed you, and be where you are all the time. She got upset when she realized you weren't going to school with her! 

 You waved! Just kidding but you're super cute!!! 

We love you so much!!! I can't imagine our family without you in it. You are the sweetest baby, and I am so grateful God chose us to be your parents! 

Ethan Asher

I got a text early Sunday morning November 8th that our birth mom was showing some signs that labor could be coming soon. We kept in touch all day but not much more was happening so we went to bed. About 10:45pm I got a text that she decided to go into the hospital so I got showered, freaked out :), and headed there to meet her. We live about an hour from the hospital so they were already checked into a room when I got there around midnight. She was actively laboring and 4cm dilated when I got there. She finally got an epidural around 1:30am and around 2 was at a 6. I debated whether to call Terry but nurse thought since it was her first baby it would still be a while.

 They came in again around 4-4:15 to check her and she was a 10!! I called Terry and she began to push around 4:30. 5 pushes and almost 20 minutes later, he was here! I got to watch him come into the world and right as he came out, I lost it. What a miracle! 

He weighed 8lbs 12 ounces and was 20 inches long. He was a big boy! I went with him and our birth mom's stepmom stayed with her. He had a head full of hair and the cutest cheeks! 

The hospital had not done an adoption in a long time, and they really kinda made the whole thing a disaster. I ended up staying with the baby and the birth mom in a room - it turned out to be fine but it was a long couple of days! We came home late Tuesday night. 

I feel like just this week we are finally settling in. Madeline adores him but she's had some behavior issues since he came home. I've heard from everybody that it's normal for the older sibling to act out but she wore me out the first week home. Ethan eats every 3 hours like clockwork and is such a laid back baby. He loves his carseat, he loves to be held, and he'll sleep almost anywhere you lay him down. He is SO different from Madeline. I did switch his formula and bottles because he had some major gas but since then he's done great. Sometimes I feel like I need to pinch myself...I cannot believe we have a newborn. It's almost like God took our hands and pulled us through this adoption. Funny how He takes over when I let go. :) Anyway, we feel so blessed and are just in love with Ethan. Our babies are such miracles - each in their own way. Here's a few (or a ton) of pictures from the first week! 

Madeline meeting Ethan for the first time...she was shy at first but then she was over the moon! She was precious with him! 

Terry was pretty proud too! 

First bath...clearly, he loved it! :) 

Handprints and footprints 

Ready to go home finally!!! 

My loves...

Late night snuggling! 

Terry's aunt and cousin came to see him the day after we got home - they were his first visitors at home! 

So far so good...I did forget how tired you are with a newborn, but I didn't forget how much I love this phase. The snuggles, the sweet newborn noises, and that sweet baby smell! I am in love!!!