The Final Chapter

November was one of the best and worst months of my life this year. I haven't written about it because honestly, I just feel like a broken record. The week before Ethan was born, I was feeling so weird. I would be at work and have horrible dizzy spells, and have to sit down. One night Terry and sat down to dinner and my heart started racing, I felt completely panicked, and started throwing up. These symptoms went on for about two weeks before I finally went to the doctor. My blood pressure was really high at his office so he ordered a bunch of labs and told me to continue checking my blood pressure at work when things were calmer. Well that was on a Friday and then our birth mom went into labor and Ethan was born that Monday so I never got the blood work done. Everyone who knew what was going on, including my doctor, chalked it up to stress.

Fast forward to the week after we brought Ethan home, I was still having dizzy spells. I knew something wasn't right and on a whim took a pregnancy test. It was hot pink positive right away. I freaked out and Terry just died laughing. We were SO overwhelmed but so excited at the same time. Madeline has been my only other pregnancy when I wasn't already having issues at the time I found out, so I honestly felt really good about this pregnancy. I got into my doctor the same day I found out, and he refused to prescribe progesterone and said I would need to wait until the base could see me which is typically around 12 weeks. It was so stressful and I finally got a doctor I work with to call in progesterone for me. I had started having intermittent side pain at this point. 

My levels were rising but not quite as high as they wanted them to but I had no bleeding so we tried to remain optimistic. My ultrasound did not show an embryo in my uterus but since it was still early, no one freaked. They did mention a "giant cyst" on my right ovary. The following week, I started having intense pain on my right side that gradually got worse and worse. By lunch time I had to call Terry to come home, and in my gut I knew it was all over. This time though I had so much more pain than I had ever had in the past. Terry wanted to call an ambulance but I didn't want Madeline to be scared so I drove myself to the ER. I was almost hysterical by the time I got to the hospital and could barely walk...no previous miscarriage or even labor hurt like I was hurting. I knew something was really wrong. 

Turns out something had ruptured - they think the pregnancy was on my right ovary and ruptured but theres no way to know for sure. What they do know is I was bleeding internally - hence the terrible pain, and would have to stay in the hospital and likely have surgery the next day. I have never been hospitalized and I was terrified. My doctors were amazing and Terry was perhaps the best he's ever been through the whole ordeal. My blood counts stayed high enough that I didn't need blood or surgery and my pregnancy numbers showed the following day that the pregnancy was definitely over. I was discharged the following day, the day before Thanksgiving. They gave me pain medication and told me to expect the physical symptoms of the miscarriage to begin anytime after discharge. They came right after we finished Thanksgiving dinner, and it was terrible. I was so thankful they gave me pain medication this time. 

Honestly, I was so pissed about it. Why would God let this happen to us? Again. Right after Terry's dad died and the week after we brought home our baby? I didn't understand and I was so mad. I never wanted to be pregnant so to allow me to get pregnant and take it back was so painful. Why? I will never know. What I do know is that when I decided to look up from my pain, all I could see is how blessed we are. I don't believe I will ever know this side of heaven why God placed us on this journey. But He is so good, we are so blessed and both of our kids are miracles. 

Physically, I have healed just fine and emotionally I am better too. Spiritually, I am really working on it. I have started to dig into God's Word and just started Breaking Free by Beth Moore. We also decided that we are closing the door on any chance of getting pregnant again. I feel like our family is complete, and I want to move past this in my life. I am so thankful for my children, and I know that there are so many women who are never able to even have one child. I try to keep it all in perspective. 

One huge blessing that came from all of this is Terry's boss took him off a deployment he was supposed to go on in February. They called him in when he went back to work and told him someone had offered to take his place. I never mentioned his deployment on the blog  but we've known he was leaving since around October. We are immensely grateful he gets to stay home. My parents also came in and helped tremendously with Ethan. They cooked Thanksgiving and just took a load off of us. And my sweet Terry....he drives me insane, but when I was at my lowest, physically and emotionally, he rubbed my back, brought me my medicine, wiped my tears, and helped me see beyond my pain. I cannot imagine doing this life with anyone but him. So we are glad to say good-bye to 2015 and are looking forward to what God has in store for us this year.