Sunday, August 16, 2015

I'm Not Ready

My Sweet Madeline, 

Tomorrow you start Pre-K. Full blown, five day a week school. I am not ready. I am SO NOT READY. But you see I've convinced myself that parenthood is full of not being ready. 

I found out I was pregnant with you on April 17th, 2010. The happiest, scariest day of my life. I wanted you so bad, but I was terrified. I loved you so much it hurt, but I wasn't sure if I was ready. 

I knew when I saw you kicking, sucking your thumb, and bouncing all over the place that ready or not you were coming. I couldn't wait. 

Then, the day came to have you. I couldn't see through my tears on the way to the hospital. How could I take care of something so little, so fragile, and so miraculous? 

Ready or not you came...

We fell in love instantly. 

The scariest day was the day we brought you home from the hospital. I knew I wasn't ready. How would I know what was wrong when you cried? Were you getting enough to eat? What if you wouldn't sleep? And you didn't by the way. :)  

But we brought you home, ready or not. 

We figured out the middle of the night feedings, the no sleeping, the two hours you would scream EVERY night the first two months of your life. I never loved anything like I loved you. 

Before I knew it, you were pulling up on everything in sight. You were moving and I wasn't ready. I baby proofed the house, chased you around, and loved every second of it. 

Ready or not, you were mobile. I had never loved you more. 

Before I knew it, you had thrown your first fit. I remember it vividly - you didn't want to unbuckle your seatbelt and get out of the car. It was serious business - you were inconsolable for a good hour. I wasn't ready for a toddler and the terrible two's. 

Ready or not you were throwing fits, eating dog food, and cracking us up non-stop! 

I never loved you more. 

I blinked and you turned three. You suddenly had very strong opinions and would fight me tooth and nail about everything. I SO wasn't ready for a three year old. 

Ready or not, there you were in all your stubborn glory. 


Your adorably cute, sweet as pie one minute and angry as a hornet's nest the next, glory. 

I never loved you more. 

Then I blinked and you turned four. I am still not ready. 

Ready or not, you are four,  you're gorgeous, and I have never loved you more. 

I don't know if I'll never be ready. Not for tomorrow, not for kindergarten, high school graduation, your wedding day, or the day you become a momma. What I do know is that my love for you grows with every day I get with you. I do know that I cherish your sweet four year old self, and I know God has big plans for you sweet girl. Ready or not...

Be strong and courageous for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go...

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